Confidence in the face of Anxiety

There are lots of obstacles to maintaining confidence, not the least of which is mental health. I highly doubt there is a person spared some internal challenge--it seems to be a gift freely administered to all humankind--the unseen battles within. The internal challenges may vary in strength and duration from person to person, and may have different impact on one's self-view depending on the individual.

Continuing the series on confidence. 

I'm blogging today to say, yes. Yes, mental health is a challenge to personal confidence, but it doesn't have to be a permanent fence or shield keeping confidence at bay.

My biggest self-view challenge is anxiety.

 

 

I know I have high anxiety and that the smallest thing can set me off. I also know that my reactions, when in a high stress situation, probably lack all reason and common sense. Knowing this about myself affects my confidence. I can't trust myself in this situation and feel like I have to apologize for reacting to anything--having no idea if I'm within the normal reaction range or if I've crossed over into 'If you touch that it will blow up in your face and we'll all die!' when selecting food from a restaurant menu.



 

 

 

Over populated spaces, loud echoing noises, people whose laugh could be mistaken as crying, or losing track of where my kids are, are all major triggers for me. As a teenager I avoided party invitations, dances, large social gatherings--because I knew it made me feel crazy to be in those places, and it only got worse after having kids.

Having said all of this, I still consider myself to have a healthy level of confidence. I'm aware that I won't appear confident all the time. I know that I might even act like a lunatic--afraid of unidentified noises and too many faces packed in neon lit rooms. But, I know that those anxiety driven reactions aren't the sum of who I am.

There are many obstacles and challenges to maintaining confidence. What I'm proposing is that we don't have to be 100% confident at all times. I'm giving myself permission to be uncomfortable at times. To react to situations that make me feel crazy, and not let those situations control how I see myself (that's a major challenge for me).

It doesn't mean any of us has to assume we're lacking confidence, just because we struggle with something unseen.

For me: Anxiety isn't pretty, it also isn't the only thing I am. Confidence isn't a constant either.
Both are a part of who I am, and may vary in strength from time to time. It helps for me to recognize my limits, and remind myself that it's okay to be uncomfortable in certain situations.

Quiet Confidence

Most often when I hear ‘be confident’ it’s in reference to being outgoing.

I’m not always outgoing. I can be outgoing, but it drains me.

 

 

Also, it’s my belief that I don’t have to be outgoing to be confident.

 

I’m a fan of the quiet confidence that doesn’t get the attention it deserves. Quiet confidence does not draw attention. I like to define it as

 

 

‘me being okay with the environment and where I fit in it’

 

If something in that environment changes, like an aggressive type personality, or say, someone telling me I need to be more outgoing, I might lose my feeling of comfort in the setting, and thus lose confidence in that environment.

 

Yes, my confidence is not fixed or set in concrete around my person.

I’m okay with that.

 

Being okay with not being constantly confident does something important for me:

I don’t have to sustain any given level of energy, which to me is the biggest thing.

 

I have permission to react to my environment.

 

I consider myself an ambivert personality, where I have the ability to be outgoing, but also need down time—lots of down time. Needing downtime, or quiet time—where there is no spotlight on me, nothing demanded of my energy level, does not diminish my confidence. It only means I need to recharge, and that’s a good thing for everybody.

 

 

Basically, there are lots of different kinds/versions/levels of confidence and no one is better or worse than the others.

 

 

Learn your type, and embrace it.

 

Like I say (but, admittedly Emma Stone says it better^^^)

Embrace your Quirks, Pursue your Talents. Don’t let anyone’s definition of confidence prevent you from being you.

 

Confidence and Compliments

Continuing the discussion on Confidence.

Compliments, humility, and confidence.

The triad of doom. Or the three-way that just ain’t happening in my head.

I grew up with the distinct impression that humility was valued over arrogance or boasting.

 

This spawned a bizarre relationship with compliments.

I love to compliment others, but get scared to death when anyone compliments me.

 

 

Basically, notice anything you appreciate about me and I turn into a deer in the headlights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know what I'm supposed to say, 'thank you,' and graciously nod acknowledgement of kind remark.

 

However, my instinct is to deny, deny, deny--lest I come off arrogant or boastful.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't only deny, I'd spend a good half hour demonstrating my numerous flaws in order to disprove said compliment--"There! Humble, baby!"

 

Except this isn't humility either, and it sure heck isn't good for confidence levels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have gained the ability to stare lamely for less than ten seconds before the nod and thanks. It's the best I can do.

 

To be perfectly honest, I often say a silent prayer that no one will notice me or say anything to me, so I don't have to face this terrifying situation of how best to handle a compliment.

 

 

 

I'm okay with me, as long as no one points anything out.

 

On Confidence

I've been thinking a lot about confidence lately.

 

There seems to be a lot of pressure on that word.
Or maybe on our population to be defined by that word.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, and I'm going to explore it, or try to.
An effort will be made.

Points to consider:
How do you define 'confidence'?
Do you consider yourself confident?
If so, why?
If not, why?
What do you consider to be the defining traits/characteristics of a confident person?





I'd love to hear from readers about experiences with this word, viewpoints, experiments, anything that has to do with the word confidence. Lack of it, gain of it, sustaining it.

 

Let's turn this blog into a discussion for a little bit.
I'm curious about how we see this concept as a group, while I'll be sharing ideas of my own as this series goes on.

Make Them Feel It

 Words have an ability to affect us.

How does that happen?

Hitting on our senses in ways we don't expect. It draws the reader in.

Using the senses in writing.

without all the nastly 'ly' words.

 

Visceral is something I hear bandied about a lot in writing helps. What does it mean to provide the reader a visceral experience?

Our goal, as writers, is to force the reader to feel things in ways they can't defend against.

These are in no particular order.

Smell:

"He motions me inside, where I’m assaulted by the fumes of wood polish."

 

Touch/Texture:

"I feel thin, not the skinny model kind of thin, the kind of thin that’s like a string of chewing gum, about to snap."
 

Sound: 

"I don’t have to yell.  Whispering in this crowd offers a validity that can stand up to pedigree."

 

Taste:

"I’ve developed a taste for trouble. Like hot sauce, I’ve built a tolerance that I not only crave, but need to intensify."

 

See/Sight:

"We’ve lived on Rockwood Lane for sixteen years without any suggestion of ‘moving up’ or ‘moving out’. Then Mom bought red exterior paint and murdered our front door."

 

 

What I love about writing/reading is wording phrasing something in a way that makes me feel like a tourist in written world, experiencing things old and new in foreign ways,

thinking differently,

sensing things strangely.

 

Isn't that what it's all about?

Presenting...

...On Presenting.

I'll be doing my first writer presentation.
Where people sit at my heels and bathe in the wisdom of my experience.

Which boils down to,

Just keep running toward the goal line.

I've prepared. I have a PowerPoint and everything. (I even have plans to share delicious candy)
But, that doesn't eliminate nerves.

Someone shared this:

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

TED talks. I should watch them on loop.

 

 

So I should be ready.

But, it doesn't end now.

I have to practice.

Oh that dreaded word.

The one that makes you tired because you know you demand as much, if not more, from yourself than anyone.

 

 

 

 

 

It's coming.

I've prepared. I must practice.

Just like writing.

Every. Day.

I'm going to go over my presentation. Again. Again. Again.
And hope I don't sound like a robot.

 

Unless I sound like Siri. That robot is alright.

 

 

Personal Authorly Annoyance Policy.

I often see the quote "Don't annoy authors, or they'll put you in a book and kill you."

 

It's pretty cool. I like it, but...

 

It doesn't quote fit my personality.

 

 

so I took it as a challenge to come up with an annoyance policy of my own.

I’ve decided my personal-authorly-annoyance policy is:

“Annoy me, and I’ll put you in a book and try my best to figure out the good qualities I’ve obviously overlooked, (because that’s the only possible reason I could have gotten annoyed) on a journey that might end poorly for anyone and everyone.”…

...Sort of hard to fit on a mug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Interesting Little Known Fact about Writers (at least the ones I know)

Writers challenge themselves in all areas of life.

I've noticed this while building friendships with writers all over the globe of different genres and age ranges.

What people think writers do all day:

Most of my friends create beautiful artwork for book covers and home display, crochet/knit amazing and functional items, quilt, bike competitively, build out of wood or cardboard or anything, run, hunt/fish, boldly shave their womanly heads for no other reason that to be brave and beautiful in their own way, and work full and part time jobs.

I've challenged myself to be mindful of how I balance my life.
These challenges aren't things I set out to do consciously, which might have made them that much cooler, but things I realize ground my life in balance and rich experiences that most, if not all, authors see at every opportunity.


Athletic challenge

I haven't been a runner since my first child was born.
I try to stay in shape, but distance running seemed like a waste of time and energy.
Challenge accepted.
My husband and I agreed to run on a twelve man Northwest Passage Ragnar team. I'll be honest, I was slated for the majority of the easy runs for our van--Until our sixth person dropped out. I didn't go so far as to volunteer for an extra leg, but I did grudgingly accept (with the fear of failure) some longer legs.
I survived!
I still workout regularly, not necessarily seven mile sprints.







Artistic challenge


If you know me well, you know my artistic abilities are limited to cut and paste and doodling.
I'm not knocking those, they're awesome, but not a challenge.
Painting this door red scared the crap out of me. I have no idea if this was the thing that helped us sell our home, but it sold--within a month of being listed, even after I murdered the door.






Social challenge

Family reunions might sound like a weird thing to list as a social challenge. I have high anxiety and suffer worst case scenario syndrome.
I come from a large family. My husband comes from a large family. Our families are very different from each other. We attended overnight family functions for both sides of the family this summer.
This makes me a social gold medalist.






Phobia challenge

I startle easily and have an anxious mind poised for terror around every corner.
Guns freak the crap out of me.
I'm all for supporting freedoms, I'd just prefer to be trained and super safe before handling a weapon.
Some friends who are both trained, and huge into safety, invited us to learn some skills in safe gun practices.
It was amazing. And the .22 rifle gives off a ton more gun powder scent after being fired than a .22 pistol, in case you wee curious. I was.


Being a writer is like cultivating the curiosity and excitement from childhood. You are always trying to find new ways to experience the world you want to write about and share new and vivid life with readers. It's the most alive and fulfilled I know how to live.

A little known fact, writers are hard working and great at experiencing life.

Success and Support and Success

Friends and Critique Partners doing well while you're still pestering agents' inboxes? 

 This is me--trying to get some 'inbox' love'n...

If you're not feeling the momentum to wonderful things, don't panic or feel left out.

                       

Continue to surround yourself with good friends, reaching for success, and apply examples of how they are achieving their goals.

Seriously? Taylor Swift and Lorde are pals. Pretty good example that I'm right about this point.

How do WE, the rest of us non-Taylor Swift pals (at least outside of our imaginations and charity connections) achieve this?
Luck?
No. Work.

I've compiled an easy to follow list.

Some things I've gleaned from wonderful friends and fantastic writers

(in no particular order):

Never stop trying

 

Agents aren't going to chase you down and offer representation if you quit.

This includes always seeking opportunities to improve, grow, stretch, and risk. It's difficult and scary. Join the #TalkFear thread hosted by the lovely @Rock_andor_roll to voice the things that try to hold us back in life, but are not permitted to rule ;)

REVISE

You knew it was coming.
You can't improve without revision.
It's painful and tedious and absolutely required.

Seek a variety of methods to both query, pitch, submit, and learn

Pretend that says: And then he found the Perfect Agent

 

Be active on social media, blogs, and conferences in order to learn and grow, and let other's get to know how awesome you are

Be true to who you are and represent yourself as honestly and positively as possible.
Don't troll it up.
Don't be a pest, hound, or creepy shadow.
Be the butterfly that is most true
Personally, I lean toward #AwkwardButterfly in an endearing way

 

Don't let rejections define your talent

Harsh.
But, you wrote a whole book.
Now all you have to do is make that product marketable and you're golden!
Let's face it. This one's hard to do.

 

Continue to find joy in the success of those around you

(this is common-sense-karma so they can also celebrate with you when the happy news of agent representation or a book deal knocks at your inbox)

It's okay to feel deflated in the process (and evidence you're a human with emotions)

don't stay there.  

I know this from personal experience-the deflation is real.
The picking ourselves back up is real too

Being a writer is not easy.

Enjoy the process and the friends you make along the way.