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Friday, June 12, 2015

Confession: I'm Afraid and mildly OCD



Change scares me, it always has and never seems to get its fill of putting me on edge.


I don't try to prevent changes from occurring and am often known to actively seek out opportunities and experiences that require change in one form or another.
 

Recently we sold our house.
It went much faster than we anticipated. There are no rentals available in our area. Shocking right?
Makes me feel twitchy.
I'm excited we will get the opportunity to build a home in the near future. The in-between time might include long term and winter camping.... (I really hope not).

 

Progress is a form of change that also intimidates me. I have had some progress in my writing and feel that brink of 'something' that makes me excited and terrified.


My solution to all the vague change and progress? Bring out the OCD!
 I'm not kidding.


I seriously get all tedious, detailed, and over do things like jogging. Not helpful things like cleaning or making loads of cash. Nope, I get OCD over about timing, patterns, distances, rates, and methods.
I know that I tend to fall back on to the comfort of OCD when change and progress compound on me.


For instance:
When running three miles, if my pace was 6mph yesterday it has to be the same or 6.1 mph the next run, or I have to run one tenth of the distance farther, or I will count in odd number patterns the whole time and make weird faces that I'm sure freak out the cars driving past me.


Knowing this super annoying tendency I do something I hate most of all...
I change my running path and distance on a regular basis so that I CAN NOT fall into too crazy of a numbers/patterns obsession.

What's the point of this post?
The point is change and progress scare me.
They terrify me--make me feel raw and exposed.
Maybe I'll rise to the challenge or maybe I'll be skinned alive. I don't know.

 

I let myself feel afraid. I can't stop that from happening.
That feeling doesn't define or determine my moments.

I allow a small degree of my tendencies toward OCD come out, which for me can play a role of comfort; like counting in odd patterns while I jog or making weird faces at passing cars.
But, not so many or much obsessive actions that I can no longer function in a positive and healthy direction.

Yes I'm afraid and mildly OCD.
I'm progressing toward goals I desire and have been working hard to achieve.
I don't know what the future holds and I'm still moving forward.



Write on, move up, and make weird faces jogging.

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